A letter from a depressed girlfriend to her strong boyfriend
My love, please take a deep breath and imagine my cheerful face looking at you with love and confidence. Look into your soul and seek the strength to forgive me for all the pain I have caused you.
Please forgive me for not having the power to tell you these things by looking into your eyes. Forgive me for hurting the woman you love so much, turning her into an unhappy soul in her own skin.
Forgive me for taking so long to admit that I’m not doing well.
Forgive me for letting all the insignificant things overshadow the joy of being with you. Forgive me for not having the strength to fight the evil thoughts in my head. Forgive me for hiding my feelings from you. Forgive me for hiding in me, taking you away from me. Forgive me for not communicating with you and making you less communicative. Forgive me for not being by your side when you needed me. Forgive me for not seeing you struggle.
Forgive me for letting the mistakes of the past and the fears of the future control me. I seemed strong in my mind that I was struggling alone with bad thoughts, when in fact I was collapsing every day little by little, without being aware that I was degrading. Forgive me for not asking for your help earlier. Forgive me for not trying to open up to you anymore and tell you what hurts my feelings and emotions.
Forgive me for trying so many times to act on my own, without asking your opinion, as if I were single. I’m not single. I have you, my love.
Now that I have finally detached myself from my thoughts, as you have suggested to me so many times, I have realized how strong you are! You are strong because you love me so much, even in my darkest moments. You loved me when I trembled with fear. You loved me when I had panic attacks. You loved me when I vomited because of the alcohol I saw as a lifeline. You loved me when I wasn’t talking to you. You loved me from the first moment we met. And I love you just as much, even if I didn’t know how to express my feelings until now.
Now that I finally see clearly that evil exists only in my mind, thank you for staying by my side.
I will do my best to keep bad, unconstructive thoughts away from me. Because when I focus on what’s in my head, on the multiple scenarios in my head, I miss what’s going on next to me. I miss the real joys, I don’t feel 100% the joy of the love we carry. I realized that I no longer have to be afraid that you will leave if I completely uncover my soul and mind in front of you. Instead, if I continue to hide what I really think, we will end up in the same situation where you feel alone in two and you will leave in the end.
I promise you that from today on I will be 100% real with you. I will live in the present, not in my head. There’s chaos in my head. But real-life is beautiful, pleasant, worthy of being lived. Because in my actual life you are by my side at every step.
I will always love you.